Canada's Own (theskooch) wrote in topfive_reviews,
Canada's Own

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WWE Royal Rumble 2006

WTF is up with Steph & Linda's faces?  That's Photoshop gone wrong.. or even worse.. not Photoshopped at all
I ended up picking this up tonight almost on a whim. The Royal Rumble is probably the only PPV left that WWE can put on that I will actually pay money to watch. I never watch SmackDown! anymore, so half the wrestlers I have very little familiarity with, & these cross-brand PPVs should be WWE pulling out all the stops when it comes to pulling in new viewers for their shows. Anyways, onto the rundown.

Cruiserweight Championship Invitational Tornado Match
Champion Kid Kash vs. Funaki vs. Jamie Noble vs. Nunzio vs. Paul London vs. Gregory Helms
- I'm picking Helms right off the bat, because it doesn't make sense.. if he wins, does the belt go to Raw where there are hardly any Cruisers, or does he go to SD! because the title belongs to the show?
- London with the dropkick into the moonsault pinning combo was pretty sweet-looking in a double-take kinda way
- London is insane, with no hesitation when he jumps off the top turnbuckle into four guys on the arena floor
- Helms with the Shining Wizard on Funaki & Gregory picks up the Cruiserweight title
3 / 5 - exciting & fast-paced, but it had little to no cohesiveness & was basically like a softcore spotfest

- Vince is hanging out in the back with the Raw Divas Torrie, Candace & Victoria, waiting for wrestlers to come in & pick their Rumble positions out of a barrel
- Randy Orton draws his number & seems to be satisfied
- Triple H draws his number & gets all bug-eyed
- before the match, Mickie declares her love for Trish.. I declare my love for Trish in that referee's top

Mickie James vs. Ashley Massaro - Special Referee: Trish Stratus
- I'm picking an Ashley fluke win, with Mickie turning heel at the conclusion of the match
- well I'm happy to be wrong, with Mickie picking up the win after a sick-looking top rope power bomb on Ashley that Trish reluctantly counts her out on
3 / 5 - the match was kinda back & forth 'til Mickie just started beating the holy hell outta Ashley, great psychology by everyone in the match more than made up for Ashley's lack of skills; you gotta hand it to Jerry Lawler & Joey Styles on commentary for telling the story of the match so well

- Peter Gabriel's "Big Time" as WrestleMania 22 theme song? What fucking year is this?
- Vince checks out the Diva's tattoos
- Big Show attempts to draw his own number, but his hands are too fat to fit in the hole.. he's given one & is alright with it
- Rey Mysterio dedicates the Rumble match to Eddie Guerrero & picks his number, asking for Eddie's guidance & is happily amused by the resulting number.. meaning it's probably a low number & Rey's going to win the Rumble or stick around for awhile at least

JBL vs. The Boogeyman
- I'm picking Boogs to win this one, hopefully in a short fashion
- JBL's selling of his fear of the worm-eating Boogeyman is excellent
- I'm not entirely sure who's supposed to be the face in this match, one guy is a Texas stockbroker & the other is some voodoo dude that eats worms
- Boogeyman's gimmick could go somewhere because of how over the top it is
1.5 / 5 - Boogs wins with the pump handle slam, signature move of big men everywhere, the match did what it was supposed to do, namely put Boogs over as a legit.. something or other

- for anyone that's interested, the Bret Hart DVD will be on PPV in February
- Shelton Benjamin's mama grabs Vince's ass & Shelton grabs a good number
- Melina kisses Vince's ass & MNM pick their numbers & they're alright with them; everyone's telling Vince they're going to eliminate Shawn Michaels for him

- WTF? Rumble match is next?!? The World Title matches better be fuckin' good then
- The Spirit Squad shows up & fags up the proceedings.. for no explicable reason other than to eat up time
- 90 seconds between entrants? This is getting gayer & very predictable

Royal Rumble Match Rundown
- I'm not entirely certain of all the Rumble entrants, but I'm picking either Rey Mysterio or Randy Orton
- guess who's not winning the Rumble this year Trips? That's right #1 is Triple H, with oh .. great.. #2 is Rey Mysterio
- could they make this anymore obvious? Apparently the best thing to happen to Rey Rey was Eddie dying last year; hopefully Chavo Guerrero gives him a little stank before getting elimated later on
- commentators for the match should've been Joey Styles & Tazz. Lawler & Cole are the weak links & just screams bullshit WWE politics
- Simon Dean in at #3, riding his personal transport thing to the ring.. that's kinda brilliant, 'cept he's the first eliminated, sent out by Trips & Rey Rey
- Psicosis in at #4, quickly eliminated by Rey Rey
- WHOO InterContinental Champ (still?!?) Ric Flair is #5, good booking with the Trips / Flair feud still fresh in everyone's minds.. but Flair's outta there thanks to Trips
- also good booking is Big Show at #6, continuing his feud with Trips which makes me hope for a repeat of Trips' "SIDESLAM" call-out to Show back in '99 or whatever when they had that World title match on Raw
- Jonathan Coachman is in at #7, & tossed by Big Show shortly thereafter
- the military press psychology has baffled me since the '92 Rumble, when Davey Boy Smith could've eliminated Flair about 8 dozen times throughout the match for how much he had him up in the air
- Lashley is in at #8, & there aren't enough no-names in there for him to get a Diesel-push
- WTF is Rey still selling? the match is barely 10 minutes old & he's been lying there for half of it
- the Raw Tag Champs are out there now, with Kane coming in at #9
- there's 5 people in the match, but three of them are taking powders thanks to Lashley destroying everyone & quickly eliminating the #10 entrant, Sylvan
- Kane & Big Show team up to eliminate Lashley, with the booking becoming painfully obvious after every elimination
- this is where it starts to get a bit mucked up in my notes, though I believe Trips eliminates both Kane & Big Show while the Tag Champs were in a chokehold embrace of one another
- Carlito is cool at #11, with Chris Benoit following at #12 & then United States Champion Booker T entering at #13.. & being quickly eliminated by Benoit; methinks Booker's not completely healed from his groin injury
- one half of the SD! Tag Champs, Joey Mercury is in at #14 & then OMG Tatanka, that fat Indian is in at the halfway point; Tatanka looks much better than he did when he was up against Eugene last year on Raw
- I think there are 8 guys in the match now, with the other half of the SD! Tag Champs, Johnny Nitro in at #16
- this "Eddie watching out for Rey" shit is starting to offend me as a human being
- Dusty Rh... Trevor Murdoch is in at #17, & then it's the returning Eugene at #18; surprised that they didn't repackage the retard since his soma OD last year
- fuck Animal is fat.. & he's #19
- 10 guys in there now, make that 11 with the returning Rob Van Dam at #20; RVD eliminates the Fatnimal
- ring is far too crowded now; this is where having Lashley come in would've been better
- the apparently soon-to-be-bisexual Orlando Jordan is in at #21, with Chavo Guerrero coming in at #22; Trips shows that post-mortem nepotism will not be tolerated by eliminating Chavito when he stupidly went to the top rope to frog splash someone
- Matt Hardy (still) Version 1 in at #23, & now there's an even dozen dudes in there, with half of them just hanging around
- Super Crazy in at #24, then Vince McMahon's supposed-WrestleMania opponent, Shawn Michaels is in at #25, coming into the ring like Jesus, getting oppressed on all sides by everyone
- Tatanka's eliminated by MNM, with Murdoch getting tossed by HBK
- Chris Masters is in at #26 & he gets his pyro.. that's awesome.. but he sucks... not as bad as Big Viscera sucks, wearing a shiny outfit that is reminiscent of his Men On a Mission days; 14 guys in the ring now, terrible, almost half the entrants
- Hardy is eaten .. eliminated by Viscera, Eugene's eliminated by Benoit
- Shelton Benjamin is in at #28, followed up by the returning (yet again) Goldust at #29; like I said earlier, I don't watch SD! so I'm left wondering where The Undertaker is
- Randy Orton got the luck of the draw & he's #30; 14 guys left & one of them will win the WrestleMania title shot
- Benoit is eliminated by Orton; Viscera is eliminated by Carlito & Masters; Masters is eliminated by Carlito; Goldust is tossed by RVD; Orlando is gone thanks to Orton
- Joey Mercury is out by his partner Nitro inadvertantly thanks to HBK, with Nitro gone next due to HBK
- HBK follows those eliminations up by gettin' rid of Shelton next, which cues Vince's music as he struts out to ringside, hopefully not to repeat his crazy injury from last year; Vince distracts HBK which leads to Shane McMahon coming up from behind to toss Shawn; way to get outta that WrestleMania match Vince
- Super Crazy I think was eliminated next.. by someone
- Final Four is (1) Triple H, (2) Rey Mysterio, (20) Rob Van Dam & (30) Randy Orton
- lots of energy still left in Rey Rey & Trips, but then again they spent half the match lying down
- RVD is gone next, thanks to Rey Rey; pop of the night is probably the follow-up elimination of Trips by Rey, leaving just Mysterio & Orton
- remember what I said before the match? Apparently the best thing to happen to Rey Rey was Eddie dying last year yeah, Rey Mysterio eliminates Orton to win the Royal Rumble match
2.5 / 5 - while this was supposed to be one of the most wide-open Rumbles since before the days of the winner getting the WrestleMania title shot, the booking of the match made it painfully obvious who was going to win

- Mickie insinuates that Trish called the match for her because of hot lesbian love.. or something like that.. I'm wondering why Trish is still wearing the referee almost-top over an hour after the match in question?
- Dean Malenko, Benoit & Chavo congratulate Rey .. 'til Edge comes over & pisses on the parade; if he literally did that, he truly would be the R-rated Superstar

- recap package of Edge's machinations that resulted in him winning the World title; 1) won the Money In The Bank match at WrestleMania last year, guaranteeing himself a World Title shot whenever he wanted it in the next calendar year; 2) John Cena barely defends his title at New Year's Revolution in the Elimination Chamber match; 3) Edge cashes in immediately after the EC match & wins his first World title

Raw World Title: Edge (Champion) vs. John Cena
- some weird structure drops down, & it ends up being yet another attempt by WWE to get Cena over, leading to Lawler's line of the night, unintentional though it may be: "He's not over yet."
- mixed reaction from the Miami crowd for Cena; you can also tell that Edge is supposed to be the heel, since he's billed as hailing from Canada
- I'm picking Edge to retain his World Championship
- Cena's taking such a Ricky Morton-esque beating that I'm starting to doubt my prediction
- fuck... Cena wins with a STFU submission victory, regaining the World Title; another mixed reaction for his win
2 / 5 - midway through the match it was obvious what it was building to, & the result boggles my mind; Raw has the highest ratings in years with Edge as champion, yet WWE puts the title back on Cena who gets a strong female fan reaction, but a horrible reaction from the increasingly smarkish fans at the live events

- I'm starting to think the match postitioning of the card will have something to do with Undertaker showing up at the end of the Kurt Angle / Mark Henry match
- oh god.. Hacksaw Jim Duggan shows up to payoff Cena's name-drop of him last Monday on Raw, just to call Lita a "HOOOOOOOO"

The Match That Makes No Sense: SmackDown! World Title: Kurt Angle (Champion) vs. Mark Henry
- I just can't buy into Angle as a face, it doesn't feel right at all
- almost no reaction to the lumbering Henry & his generic theme music: worst WWE contract ever
- neat lil' slight remix at the beginning of Angle's theme music
- I'm picking Angle in a hopefully shortish match
- Mark Henry should be repackaged as The Black Hole of Suck
- interesting backstory that I've yet to hear mentioned on the broadcast: both Angle & Henry were on Team USA at the 1996 Summer Olympics
Mark Henry: "I was at the Olympics with you!" Kurt Angle: "The fuck you were. Who are you?"
- Poor Angle.. this match has zero heat, though Henry did take one sick chair shot to the face
1.5 / 5 - Angle wins with an exposed turnbuckle assisted rollup. & the positioning of the entire card is revealed when The Undertaker shows up to shoot lightning bolts & call for mis-timed lighting effects & cause the ring to fall apart.. with his mind.. or powers or something. Nice "HOLY SHIT" call by Tazz that was almost bleeped for no reason after the 'Taker ring destruction.

The Verdict
- on the predictions I was 4 for 6
- while it was exciting to see some of the guys I've only heard about on the Internet, they didn't win me over in a "MUST SEE SMACKDOWN!" way
- most of the matches seemed to be carved-in-stone easy to predict, based on the way WWE packaged it all together
- the only thing that seriously surprised me was putting the title back on Cena, which is wrong, by the way
2.25 / 5 - that's the average for the matches, with the potential of a completely wide open Rumble being blown thanks to the poor booking of the entire evening

Related Reviews
WWF Royal Rumble 2000
WWF Royal Rumble 2001
Tags: john_cena, wrestling
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