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Andy's Movie Awards 
6th-Mar-2006 02:44 am
Aweso
You know what? Fuck the Academy. The Oscars are for shit, is what I say. Instead of reading what movie made the Academy feel best about themselves, or which one was promoted best, why not read about what movies would get awards if I, andythesaint was the only person who got a say in it? Unlike Academy voters, I'm only going to nominate and give out awards to movies I've seen, but since I saw 35 movies from 2005, including almost every movie that received a nomination, I think I'm qualified enough. For disclosure purposes, here's the Academy nominated films I did not see: A History of Violence, The Squid and the Whale, Transamerica, North Country, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride, Howl's Moving Castle, The New World, Darwin's Nightmare, Street Fight, or any of the foreign language films or assorted short films. Otherwise, I've seen em, so if they don't get nominated here, I'm intentionally snubbing them.

To further show how much better than the Oscars the Andy Movie Awards are, I'll be presenting my picks in the same order as tonight's farcical affair (omitting the categories in which I cannot voice an opinion).

Best Supporting Actor:
The nominees are...
George Clooney for Syrianna
Clifton Collins Jr for Capote
Paul Giamatti for Cinderella Man
Jake Gyllenhaal for Brokeback Mountain
Ciarán Hinds for Munich

I differ with the Academy twice here, having missed A History of Violence, and significantly disliking Crash. Instead, I'll go with Collins Jr, who is equal parts tragic and chilling as the murderer in Capote and Caesar himself, Hinds as Eric Bana's sounding board in Munich. That said, the tough choice is between the three that the Academy nominated, each give strong performances that I'd like to reward. I'm a big Clooney fan, so there's that too. Ultimately, however, I think Gyllenhaal hasn't been getting enough credit for his turn as Jack Twist, who has to do all of the film's expositionary work, as he is the only character able to express his thoughts in three sentences or more. Gyllenhaal brings fire and passion to a movie of pent-up emotion, as a man tired of denying who he is, but forced to due to his reluctant lover. My only quibble in giving him this award is that it is a CO-LEAD role, not a supporting one. But, this is where he's been getting his nominations, so I guess I'll go with it, even though it's not a supporting role.

The award goes to...
Jake Gyllenhaal for Brokeback Mountain
(The Academy chose George Clooney for Syrianna)

Best Visual Effects:
The nominees are...
King Kong
Sin City
War of the Worlds

For some reason, the Academy only nominates three movies in this category, so I guess I'll do the same, replacing Chronicles of Narnia with Sin City, whose visual effects were the most distinct for me this year, while Narnia, Star Wars, and Harry Potter all did stuff I've seen elsewhere. War of the Worlds was a virtual clinic on visual storytelling, but I'm gonna go with the movie that had a giant ape fighting three fucking T-Rex's (or is it Rexi?) at once.

The award goes to...
King Kong
(The Academy chose King Kong)

Best Animated Feature:

I only saw one animated feature in 2005, which I freaking loved. Easy choice then.

The award goes to...
Wallace & Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit
(The Academy chose Wallace & Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit)

Best Costume Design:
The nominees are...
Batman Begins
Memoirs of a Geisha
Pride & Prejudice
Sin City
Walk the Line

Had to replace Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, since I haven't seen it, and Mrs. Henderson Presents, just cause I thought others were better. C'mon, how am I not going to throw a nomination to the creators of the new Bat-suit? Also, I think Sin City was snubbed here, with it's noir designs and faithful re-creations from the source text. In fact, I was close to giving it the award, but ultimately am going with Memoirs of a Geisha, whose costumes are one of the few reasons to watch what is an otherwise forgettable movie.

The award goes to...
Memoirs of a Geisha
(The Academy chose Memoirs of a Geisha)

Best Makeup:
The nominees are...
Cinderella Man
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Memoirs of a Geisha

Yeah, I'm having a hard time caring here too. But, I did manage to lock out Academy winner Chronicles of Narnia in favour of Harry Potter, mostly cause I think Voldemort is more impressive looking than Mr Tumnus. Voldemort trumps Tumnus! I also snubbed Star Wars, cause, fuck them. Anyway, I'm going with Russell Crowe's bruises here. Moving on...

The award goes to...
Cinderella Man
(The Academy chose The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe)

Best Supporting Actress:
The nominees are...
Amy Adams for Junebug
Anne Hathaway for Brokeback Mountain
Catherine Keener for Capote
Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener
Michelle Williams for Brokeback Mountain

This is always a tough category for me to fill. The parts just aren't there for women, so just end up filling it in with decent ones. Missing Frances McDormand in North Country didn't help matters. I just saw Junebug, and wasn't as impressed by Amy Adams as a lot of the critics, but I'll keep her anyway, since it was either her, or Renee Zellweger for Cinderella Man. Anyway, this is three-person race between Keener, Weisz, and Williams. Keener is solid in a true supporting role, Williams brings a lot to her struggle in Brokeback, but Weisz is the highlight of her movie, albeit in another role that seems to be a bit more than a supporting one.

The award goes to...
Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener
(The Academy chose Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener)

Best Documentary Feature:
The nominees are...
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room
March of the Penguins
Murderball

The Academy nominates five documentaries in this category, but the above three are the only ones I've seen. So they all get nominated! The battle is between the whip-smart Enron and the one with penguins. Enron is a really great documentary, but it's makers didn't almost die making it, so March of the Penguins it is!

The award goes to...
March of the Penguins
(The Academy chose March of the Penguins)

Best Art Direction:
The nominees are...
Batman Begins
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
King Kong
Memoirs of a Geisha
Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

Another Andy nomination for Batman Begins! Unbelievably, the third for Geisha, but I did say that it was a good looking film. Just not a very good one. I think the Academy dropped the ball in not nominating Wallace & Gromit, which was filmed completely on sets with plasticine models. Everything in the movie was art direction! But, I'll go with King Kong, with its breathtaking art deco New York and eye-popping skull island.

The award goes to...
King Kong
(The Academy chose Memoirs of a Geisha)

Best Original Score:
The nominees are...
Robert Rodriguez for Sin City
Gustavo Santaolalla for Brokeback Mountain
John Williams for Memoirs of a Geisha
John Williams for Munich
Hans Zimmer for Batman Begins

I promise, I'm not just sneaking Batman Begins and Sin City in any category I can (otherwise, Carla Gugino would've gotten a Best Supporting Actress nod). The truth is, comic book movies often have the best scores. The action and pathos inherent in comic book tales lend themselves to showy, anthemic scoring. But, I'll go with Brokeback here, mostly cause I keep hearing its simple guitar strings in a billion Brokeback parodies on the net.

The award goes to...
Gustavo Santaolalla for Brokeback Mountain
(The Academy chose Gustavo Santaolalla for Brokeback Mountain)

Best Sound:
The nominees are...
You know what? Let's skip this one and sound editing, since I really don't know squat about either, including what the difference between the two are.

Lifetime Achievement Award:
Just kidding

Best Original Song:
The nominees are...
Who cares? This is by far the dumbest category in the awards show for the Academy of MOTION PICTURE ARTS AND SCIENCES. Who are they to judge music? I, on the other hand, am an excellent judge of music myself, but still find this award stupid and thus do not give it out in my movie awards. The best music in any film this year was every song in Walk the Line, okay?
(The Academy chose "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" by the Three 6 Mafia from Hustle & Flow)

Best Editing:
The nominees are...
I'm skipping this one too. The most I can say about an editing award is that King Kong wouldn't qualify for it.
(The Academy chose Crash)

Best Actor:
The nominees are...
Eric Bana for Munich
Phillip Seymour Hoffman for Capote
Heath Ledger for Brokeback Mountain
Joaquin Phoenix for Walk the Line
David Strathairn for Good Night, and Good Luck.

There we are, after skipping through a bunch of categories nobody cares about, we get to a big one. Call me crazy, but I thought Bana's gripping portrayal of a man battling internal strife over executing other human beings was a bit better than Terrence Howard's pimp epic. Yes, I know that it's hard out here for a pimp and all, but I gotta go with Bana here. In fact, there's at least four other actors I'd nominate over Howard, because, unlike the Academy, I don't give out nominations to people for their body of work throughout the year (Howard was also in Crash, Lackawana Blues, Four Brothers, and that 50 Cent movie). All five performances in this category are phenomenal, with my choice coming down to Hoffman vs Ledger. Ledger breaks your heart in Brokeback in a brilliantly restrained performance. But I'll go with Hoffman, who is both showy and subdued as Truman Capote.

The award goes to...
Phillip Seymour Hoffman for Capote
(The Academy chose Phillip Seymour Hoffman for Capote)

Best Cinematography:
The nominees are...
Batman Begins
Brokeback Mountain
The Constant Gardener
Good Night, and Good Luck.
Memoirs of a Geisha

I'm actually pretty satisfied with the Academy's nominees here, having only to replace the one I haven't seen (The New World) with The Constant Gardener. That's right Batman Begins scored an actual Oscar nomination here. For me, the battle is between the excellent blacks and whites and dancing smoke of Good Night and the world of the Dark Knight. Since Batman Begins looks as good in the darks of Gotham City as it does in the icy mountains of Tibet, it wins. Batman wins!

The award goes to...
Batman Begins
(The Academy chose Memoirs of a Geisha)

Best Actress:
The nominees are...
Dame Judi Dench for Mrs. Henderson Presents
Keira Knightley for Pride & Prejudice
Naomi Watts for King Kong
Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line
Zhang Ziyi for Memoirs of a Geisha

Holy fuck, I think Geisha may be my most nominated film! How'd that happen? Well, it happened here because I haven't seen Transamerica or North Country, and that all it takes to get a nomination here is to be an actual female lead in a semi-serious film. Or King Kong. I actually think the Academy should've nominated Watts, since most of their audience hadn't seen most of the nominated films. Throw em a populist bone, Academy! Anyway, this is the easiest award of the night for me, with Witherspoon far and away better than any of the others.

The award goes to...
Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line
(The Academy chose Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line)

Best Adapted Screenplay:
The nominees are...
Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana for Brokeback Mountain
Dan Futterman for Capote
Akiva Goldsman and Cliff Hollingsworth for Cinderella Man
Tony Kushner and Eric Roth for Munich
Gill Dennis and James Mangold for Walk the Line

I'm not entirely sure which category screenplays fit in, but I'm pretty confident these are all adapted. I was actually pulling for A History of Violence to win here, even though I haven't seen it, just so a comic book adaptation would win an Academy Award. I considered nominating Sin City here, but I'm not convinced it actually has a screenplay. Anyway, Brokeback was able to create a movie out of a short-story, which is some mighty fine adapting if you ask me.

Brokeback Mountain
(The Academy chose Brokeback Mountain)

Best Original Screenplay:
The nominees are...
Cameron Crowe for Elizabethtown
George Clooney and Grant Heslov for Good Night, and Good Luck.
Martin Sherman for Mrs. Henderson Presents
Joss Whedon for Serenity
Stephen Gaghan for Syriana

Wow, this was a tough category to populate, as movies are rarely ever original anymore. Everything is based on something. It was tougher since I've missed The Squid and the Whale and hated Crash and Match Point. So... Joss Whedon gets a nomination bitches! That said, it's down to the two Clooney flicks, and since Syriana was a bit too dense, Clooney the writer wins an Andy Movie Award! I can't wait to hear his acceptance speech.

The award goes to...
Good Night, and Good Luck.
(The Academy chose Crash)

Best Director:
The nominees are...
George Clooney for Good Night, and Good Luck.
Stephen Gaghan for Syriana
Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain
Bennett Miller for Capote
Steven Spielberg for Munich

You know how it's silly when the best director category and best film category don't synch up? Well, sometimes it's a necessary evil to recognise two superior films, a way to artificially create a tie, as it were. So, the movie that looked more difficult to direct gets this award, and the other gets best picture. A cop-out, yeah, but... I'm doing it anyway.

The award goes to...
Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain
(The Academy chose Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain)

Best Picture:
The nominees are...
Brokeback Mountain
Capote
Good Night, and Good Luck.
Munich
Syriana

So I guess I spoiled this one a bit, saying that Brokeback won't win Best Picture. Most of you are just skipping to the bold-faced winners anyway (well, those of you who didn't skip this post altogether, that is), so I doubt I spoiled it for that many people anyway. For those of you still reading, I salute you. You're the heros. I LOVED four of the five Academy nominated movies, which, of course, meant the fifth one won. Stupid Academy. In a year of difficult and challenging message movies, leave it to Oscar to choose the simplest, least-challenging one of them all (pushing out the most challenging film, Syriana, from a nomination completely. Cause who in Hollywood wants to admit that buying gaz-guzzling limo-SUVs might be harming the world?). Each of MY nominated films impressed me in different ways, but the winner blew me away. Probably the worst promoted movie to be nominated by the Academy, which is why no one talked about it for the big award. Luckily, I need no promotion to give out an award.

The award goes to...
Munich
(The fucking Academy chose fucking Crash)

There you have it folks. Have a great time at the after-parties, and drive home safe!
Comments 
6th-Mar-2006 04:29 pm (UTC)
I'm a hero!

I'm not very surprised Crash won, but I still have to see it before commenting on it's victory. I'm also not surprised I wasn't motivated to do another Top Five Reasons I'm Not Posting an Oscar Related Top Five.

When are we going to start plugging other award shows besides the Oscars, if the general opinion of the Oscars in this community is they are shit?
6th-Mar-2006 07:48 pm (UTC)
Probably never. The thing with the Oscars is that it's such a hugely promoted event that it's hard to escape, whereas all the other awards shows come and go.
6th-Mar-2006 10:36 pm (UTC)
You let me know when the MTV Movie Awards are coming up.
6th-Mar-2006 10:51 pm (UTC)
Who's your prediction for best kiss?
6th-Mar-2006 10:52 pm (UTC)
Prediction, or my pick? Wait.. what year was The Notebook made?
6th-Mar-2006 10:55 pm (UTC)
How does a lover of The Notebook like yourself now know trivia like that?
6th-Mar-2006 10:58 pm (UTC)
Damn.. 2004! Did The Thing kiss anything in Fantastic Four?
6th-Mar-2006 10:58 pm (UTC)
Never saw it.
6th-Mar-2006 11:00 pm (UTC)
If Jessica Alba blew a kiss to anyone in Sin City, that's my pick right there.
6th-Mar-2006 11:20 pm (UTC)
She totally kisses Bruce.
6th-Mar-2006 11:24 pm (UTC)
Blows a kiss, not actually kisses. Where's the fun if it's predicatable?
6th-Mar-2006 11:25 pm (UTC)
The Notebook is predictable.
6th-Mar-2006 11:27 pm (UTC)
Yeah, but it was a really good kiss.
7th-Mar-2006 04:35 am (UTC)
Well, he blows his brains out right after. That's a little unpredictable.
7th-Mar-2006 04:36 am (UTC)
Hmm.. he knew he'd never get a better kiss than that one, so he took himself out. There ya go, Best Kiss at the MTV Movie Awards Mikey! Next category!
7th-Mar-2006 03:20 pm (UTC)
Best Video Game Based On A Movie?
8th-Mar-2006 05:32 am (UTC)
Well, Dwight and Gail kissed and then proceeded to blow a lot of people away. How bout that one?
11th-Mar-2006 06:03 am (UTC)
I enjoyed this post. Watch a lot of movies this year, and report back for The Andy Awards Class of '06!
11th-Mar-2006 06:08 am (UTC)
I'm waiting for 2006 to give me something worth watching. V for Vendetta should start it off.
11th-Mar-2006 08:15 am (UTC)
Also, thank you for your enjoyment. If you interested in how the Andy Awards went in 2004, it is located HERE.
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